Sunday, January 8, 2012
A Year With Thomas Merton - January 7
The Sin of Wanting to Be Heard
The question of writing: definitely it has to be cut down, or changed.
Someone accused me of being a "high priest" of creativity. Or, at least, of allowing people to regard me as one. This is perhaps true.
The sin of wanting to be a pontiff, of wanting to be heard, of wanting converts, disciples. Being in a cloister, I thought I did not want this. Of course I did, and everyone knows it.
St. William, says the Breviary this night, when death approached, took off his pontifical vestments (what he was doing with them on in bed I can't imagine) and by his own efforts got to the floor and died.
So I am like him, in bed with a miter on. What am I going to do about it?
I have got to face the fact that there is in me a desire for survival as a pontiff, prophet, and writer, and this has to be renounced before I can be myself at last.
January 19, 1961, IV.87